Blogish

It’s pretty much a given in the blogger world that if you only post sporadically, it’s essentially blog-suicide. I try really hard to not force posts because they sound forced and that’s not my thing anyway. However, the posts are lacking and I’m feeling rambly so I figured I’d write, at least to tell you why I’m not writing as much.

I am very fortunate in several ways. I have a great husband and kids, we live a comfortable life, we argue very infrequently. I get to work from home, which allows me to get The Oldest One off the bus every day, and work in my jammies and all the other things that make having a home office good.

I also feel absolutely zero need to ‘keep up with the Joneses’, as they say. I wish we had a bigger house so I could get away from my children just for space reasons, but I don’t care enough to clean my house and put it on the market. I genuinely never look at Facebook and get jealous of what others have. We have some nice things, not because I want to keep up an image, but because I know nice clothes last longer, and I don’t want to deal with the repair issues of older vehicles. The Uggs I bought from my niece and I have no idea if they are real, but they keep my feet so warm that I wouldn’t care if they said Goodwill across the back.

I also don’t feel ‘inadequate’. I know women can say that they feel totally inadequate at trying to maintain it all, and I just don’t feel that way. I can’t do it all; I just can’t. I make no qualms about it. I am me, that is all I can be, and I give it as much as I can. And if that’s not good enough, maybe the expectations should be dropped a bit. I can only give my capacity; this is my capacity.

Actually this? This last few months are past my capacity, and it’s totally showing. The last few weeks have been super overwhelming for me. There are so many things that need to be done that even thinking of them make me want to crawl into a hole. And we are a two parent household and I WORK here. Driving home earlier, I felt completely suffocated. I need to prioritize my life, but I don’t have time! There’s stuff every second, and I felt like my surroundings were closing in. And then I think of my friends and I have no earthly idea how they do what they do. One mostly stays at home with her 3 small boys and a husband that works super long hours. Another is battling breast cancer and has four kids. Another is essentially a single mom to two children, and another is dealing with a debilitating, horrific, chronic pain disease that includes painful treatments and physical therapy and no guarantee that it will ever get better.

Yet somehow I still feel this whirlwind. Taxes, budgets, work, Odyssey of the Mind practice changed, Mom, it’s 3 times this week and it’s at the worst possible times imaginable. Charlotte merging into her Terrible Twos. Money. Money. Money. Snow days. Visitation changes. Do this. Do this. Do this. Do this. Did you? Did you? When can you? Can you do it before you leave? Can you make it here in time? Meetings. Events. Birthdays. Exercise. The iPad shattered, we need to call Apple. Mom, Charlotte wants to watch Cars again, we already watched that twice today. Mom, it’s time for Box Tops. Or Jump Rope for Heart. Or basketball sign-ups. I’m out of lunch money, Mommy, you have to send money. Bible study – I forgot to do my homework. Every. Single. Day. this week. Someone had a baby/broke their leg/got sick, here’s this link to a Meal Train, let me know what day you can bring food. Mommy, you forgot to send lunch money, I had to eat a cheese sandwich. How is that Charlotte has been to the doctor more in the last year than I have in 5, but she hasn’t had a well check-up since her 6-month appointment when she was 13 months old? By the way, the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and we have like 3 hours worth of cleaning to do just to get it ready for her. And it’s 10PM. What’s the login to [insert any website]? Have we paid XXX yet? Where is my wallet? Honey, The Little One ate a dishwasher pod and is vomiting, can you come home?

Then there’s all the stressors that I can’t talk about, because this is public and they are more detailed and I don’t want to be jobless/husbandless/childless.

I just had a fabulous psuedo-weekend with my friend April, and at some point, I will totally blog about that because it bears blogging and is guaranteed to be hilarious. Tonight, though, I have nothing but tiredness and whiney.

Godspeed, my friends. I’ll be over here clinging to sanity. Just imagine how stressed I’d be if I wanted to have it all.