(Written April 3, 2014)
In the late hours of April 4, 2013, the fate of the next 12 months had been sealed.
That evening kicked off the beginning of the end for me of that season in my life, and over the next 9 days, I would unravel in a complete transformation of my life, which included quitting the job that I had once loved dearly. I didn’t know then that I would come out on the other side, remarkably and permanently changed. It would take almost a year to fully realize how much pain I had been carrying around during that time. After reflecting over the last year, I’ve seen the stages I went through at different times.
There was the Adrenaline Stage – where I was forced into a fight or flight mode and ran on auto-pilot, protecting myself and my family. Then the Disbelief Stage – where I sat and wondered what on Earth I did with my life. I never, not a single time, not for a split second, regretted quitting my job. But I’d worked since I was 12, and people, I am HIGH maintenance. I had no idea how we were going to be ok on one income. I knew we would be fine; I knew we would eat…I just didn’t know how we were going to handle it mentally. I also had no idea what I was going to do – if I was going to immediately look for work, or take time off.
There was the Anger Stage – angry that it had come to this. Angry that I didn’t stand up for myself sooner. Angry that I had stayed so long.
Last, I mourned. I mourned the girl that I saw in my memories. I cried for the pain she was in, and the weight she carried around. I wanted to cup her face and tell her that she was stronger than she thought she was, but that sometimes the only way we can find our own strength is when we drop everything we’ve been carrying for so long. I longed to hold her and assure her that no, everything would NOT be ok – because it would be better. Better than she could ever imagine. I wanted to tell her that she was loved; loved immensely. Loved by her family and friends, loved by strangers, loved by God, and that nothing would ever change that. I wanted to tell her that The Lord would fight for her, and to just be still. Be still and know that He is Lord.
And that she truly only needed faith. That faith would get her through. That faith would give her all the proof she ever needed of a forgiving and loving God. One who is powerful and faithful; trustworthy and redeeming. That in the end, the good and the truth always win. That love conquers all. That God provides in every way; in more ways than one could ever imagine.
The last year has been amazing and challenging and surprising and wonderful. I know I haven’t been doing well keeping up the blog, and I promise I’m going to work on that. I know that my posts look a lot different; they have a lot more of God and a lot less of house stuff – mainly because God has done wonderful things and also because I have no time to do anything in my house anymore. Thank you for sticking with me, for coming back even though the last 25 times you came here, there was nothing new.
Above all, thank you for reading.
Just thank you.