Lord, y’all, this is going to be a doozy for me. The Oldest One brought home a formal invitation for her 5th grade graduation. In very fancy writing, it says:
With great happiness, we,
the Fifth Grade Class of (I ain’t dumb enough to list her school y’all),
invite you to join us on
Friday, the twenty-second of May,
two thousand and fifteen
at nine o’clock in the morning.
Appropriate attire is encouraged.*
*For those of you that aren’t in the South, that means leave your wife beaters and camo at home.
Let’s talk about these snowflakes, ok? I love my child. She is brilliant (typical straight A’s) and I am proud of her for pulling her C up after I asked her if she liked fifth grade so much she wanted to do it all over again. I think she is sweet as pie and the cats pajamas and all those things. I love being her mother.
But folks, graduating fifth grade is REQUIRED BY LAW. Why are we acting as though passing a grade is something worthy of pomp and circumstance? It is not. I appreciate you brushing your teeth every day, but I am not holding a ceremony over that either. If she does not go on from fifth grade, they will jail me. School is compulsory. SO IS MY WORK, AND I’M NOT USING VACATION TIME FOR THIS.
You know what isn’t required? Hiring professional photographers for your kid’s prom. Gender reveal parties. Excessive birthday parties. Prom dresses that cost more than my wedding. Professional cakes for every birthday (with professional photographers there, too). Making teachers pick up the slack for the poor decisions your kids made.
The Oldest One’s teacher called me the other day and actually apologized that she was having trouble finding extra credit so she could help The Oldest One pull her C up. She’d found a couple of things, but there wasn’t much to work with because it was in Reading. I actually stopped her and asked her why she was expending such energy trying to bring up MY child’s grade when MY kid clearly didn’t care anywhere NEAR as much. I thanked her for the extra credit she’d found and given already, but told her not to expend any further energy doing so. The kid knows how to read. She’s in fifth grade – she’s a great reader, in fact. Her C is from laziness, and it would be better for her to learn now that sometimes extra credit isn’t an option – like in the real world – so that she’ll try harder in the first place. Her teacher literally sat there and stuttered “Oh seriously? Wow. Thank you. I wish more parents realized that.”
Friends, Romans, Countrymen – enough is enough. Your reward for passing fifth grade is getting ALL SUMMER OFF.