I’m Here

I need to sit down and write, because it’s cathartic for me. There are so many words, wrought with exhaustion of so many kinds, though, that the thought of sitting down at the computer makes me want to scream.

These last few weeks have been hard. Really hard, in various different ways. I think this season is hard anyway, though I refuse to let it overcome me anymore. It hasn’t been the season itself that’s been hard, but that it’s been wrought with so much death and loss this year, and the reminder of my grandfathers death, which happened a year ago yesterday.

And our server crashed at work, which, unless you’ve been through that, you really cannot fathom the stress surrounding it. The last two weeks have been completely tied up with what/how/why and thirty people wanting updates, and understandably so. It’s just been draining; there’s been no time for anything, let alone Christmas cards. And as odd as it sounds, one of the things that always keeps me sane is listening to Christian radio…but all they are playing now is Christmas music, which I can’t stand. I found out more bad news before leaving work yesterday and it was the last I could take. And so, sitting alone in traffic, I realized there was no better time like the present to just let it out. And I did.

People hear God in different ways. My friend Christa hears Him through bumper stickers; I hear Him through my iPod shuffle. I put on When The Rain Comes and then hit random. I swear that God plays what He knows I need to hear to comfort me. And He did. Song after song, I felt the tension release. I felt His peace, His comfort. And for the first time in what felt like weeks, I exhaled.

I picked up my beloved Japanese on the way home, and then grabbed Wendy’s for Hubbin. As I pulled up I grabbed a RACK card out of my purse and had the cashier pay for the car behind me and give the card to the driver. She was completely taken aback, and as I pulled to the second window to try and hurry and get my food before they realized what had happened, I glanced back and I saw the man trying to hand her cash while she leaned out and handed him the RACK card, mouthing words. I pulled off quickly and came home, carrying in the bag containing a gift for another dear friend that is definitely not expecting it, and I smiled.

Today, we had Schwan’s delivered to our Angel Tree’s house, and we will deliver the gifts on Christmas Eve.

There is so much more I wanted to do, so many more random acts of kindness, that I didn’t get to because it’s been so busy. And somehow, in the craziness and even in the focus of doing random acts of kindness in the name of Jesus, I still managed to get away from the meaning of Christmas. Annoyed as I was, sitting in traffic, I needed it. He brought me back to where I needed to be – looking forward to this time of the year, thanking God for the ability to give to others. Looking back, it was not all that long ago that the layaway was mine, or the gifts from the dollar store.

I’d be lying if I said this moment in time made me want to slow time to fully enjoy the rest of the year. This year has contained things that we never, ever expected. So many of them, actually. I’m ready for 2014 though, to be honest. There’s something refreshing about the start of a new year.

So from me and mine to you and yours, have a very Merry Christmas.