Apr 15

One Year – Part 1

(Written April 3, 2014)

In the late hours of April 4, 2013, the fate of the next 12 months had been sealed.

That evening kicked off the beginning of the end for me of that season in my life, and over the next 9 days, I would unravel in a complete transformation of my life, which included quitting the job that I had once loved dearly. I didn’t know then that I would come out on the other side, remarkably and permanently changed. It would take almost a year to fully realize how much pain I had been carrying around during that time. After reflecting over the last year, I’ve seen the stages I went through at different times. Continue reading

Feb 15

Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! It’s been a crazy week, with the jerky polar vortex and farty new-ish dog and 20+ inches of snow (that was yesterday, today it’s 52 degrees outside, so that’s a nice runny mess). To add, Hubbin went out of town right before the storm hit, and to be nice, he went out and got stuff to stock the cabinets for me. And he totally proved that he listens to me, because the previous few days, I’d done nothing but complain about how there was nothing at all to snack on. So, he went and got me Continue reading

Dec 21

I’m Here

I need to sit down and write, because it’s cathartic for me. There are so many words, wrought with exhaustion of so many kinds, though, that the thought of sitting down at the computer makes me want to scream.

These last few weeks have been hard. Really hard, in various different ways. Continue reading

Dec 06

And Then There Was Angela

There are times in life where you are forced to remember someone, and sometimes we have a tendency to romanticize those memories.

This is not one of those times.

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Angela was one of my coworkers, and as I sit down to even attempt to describe her, I find it to be a task proving nearly impossible. With an infectious smile and laugh, you couldn’t be anywhere near Angela without smiling. We always knew when Angela was here, because the general feeling of the office was…different. Lighter. Happier. Easier. Her eyes had a genuine sparkle in them; a sparkle that danced when she spoke of her two sons. She was in love with motherhood and her children; it was a role that she fit into perfectly. She was there for every doctor’s appointment, field trip, Boy Scout meeting (which she was a Leader of). Angela was full of grace and radiated happiness and pride. Even when things were bad, she never let it affect how she treated people; even looking at her, you would never know that she was going through hard times that would make any other person want to throw in the towel.

Angela never did. In fact, on Wednesday, she said she had never been happier.

In the beginning hours of Thanksgiving morning, the world lost another light.

It’s hard to understand how something so violent can happen to someone so wonderful, so I don’t even attempt to try to understand. To be quite honest, I’m not sure I want to live in a world where I could even begin to understand something like this. These are times that faith has to carry us through, as we cling to the knowledge that while God doesn’t cause or create sin in order to bring about a greater good, He can create beauty out of tragedy.

Angela leaves behind two young sons, who have a seemingly insurmountable hill in front of them.

On the day of her funeral, the weather was unseasonably warm and sunny. I found a peace in that; a peace that can only come from God. The next day, they buried the man who took her life, and again it was unseasonably warm and sunny. While there’s no way to adequately convey the kind of person Angela was, this was a reminder. I felt another peace around me; one that reminded me that Angela so loved her boys that she would want a warm sunny day as they buried their father as well.

Jesus says in John 16:22 “So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”

While we mourn Angela’s passing, we must cling to the belief that never again will anyone ever be able to take away her joy. There’s comfort in that promise.

We find comfort and hope in the people that have come forward to help in any way that they can. The hundreds that attended her services. The donation page that has been set up for her boys, who are now living with her sister and brother-in-law as they attempt to piece their lives back together. As we go into this holiday season, please keep Angela’s family in your thoughts and prayers. If you have the ability to give a donation, every penny counts; it can be one of your Random Acts of Kindness this year.

What the family needs most right now is prayer; prayer for God to comfort them and hold them close, prayer that they feel His comfort and presence now and always.

Most merciful God, whose wisdom is beyond our understanding, surround Angela’s family and friends with your love, that they may not be overwhelmed by their loss, but have confidence in your goodness and strength to meet the days to come.

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Thank you.

Nov 14

It’s Nearing That Time Again!

Last year I decided that I was going to stop being a Grinch during the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas and force myself to celebrate the season. The link to the post is here, and while the picture is gone because I didn’t like it, the gist of the idea is still the same; I hated the holiday season and was a grumpy, miserable mess. I was over the idea of present-quotas, frustrated at the idea of buying things just to buy them, and had just become very disgusted with the holidays in general.

Continue reading

Oct 14

The Marriage Retreat (and why I should never pack)

The Marriage Retreat this year was much different than last year in many good ways. Some of this is funny, some is poetic, and some is spiritual, because, well, that’s the point of the retreat.

I packed for the retreat the night before, and Hubbin has repeatedly asked me not to pack for him, so whatever, I didn’t. I packed most of what I could the night before, because I had to work the next day an hour in the opposite direction of the already 90 minute away location. I worked, got off a bit early, grabbed a few things from home, and set on my way.

Hubbin was already in The Middle of Nowhere, where the retreat was, so I met him (and our table group) at a restaurant close by. We ate and arrived at the retreat, which is a motel-type conference center that is about 50 miles past any civilization that you would be comfortable stopping at. No television, no cell service, just…y’all. It’s stunningly beautiful there, though, and they have this phenomenal Chef named Cody that makes THE BEST food ever.

The poetic part comes where I realized that at the last retreat, it became apparent that when I came home, I was going to have to quit my job. And this retreat started at the end of my first week of my new job. Talk about full circle; we realized how good God had been to us through this time, and it made it all the sweeter. Surrounded by the friends who had become family in such a short time, nestled in the woods with no communication to the outside world, we basked in the glory of His works.

And all was wonderful…until later that night.

Hubbin asked me where the shampoo was. Oops…home, I suppose.
Then where the conditioner was. Oops again.
Then I looked for any toiletries; I’d forgotten them ALL. No soap, no shampoo or conditioner, half my outfits, no contact solution or glasses (if my optometrist reads this he will kill me), no toothbrush. This “close” weekend was looking…not so close.

Luckily, I don’t pack for Hubbin (now we see why), so he had a toothbrush. The room came with a bar of soap; nothing else. I screamed in horror when Hubbin said I’d need to wash my hair with the bar soap.

UM, I’M SORRY HAVE WE MET?! I DO NOT WASH MY HAIR WITH CHEAP BAR SOAP AND CAN YOU EVEN DO THAT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! (I don’t waste time on punctuation when I am horrified, y’all)

That night we talked for a long time, mostly because the WiFi didn’t reach our room and there was no television, but also because there was a lot to talk about; how life had changed from the last time we were there, and how last time when we had arrived (toiletries in tow), we had no idea how our lives would change.

And the next morning, I got up and whimpered when Hubbin confirmed that toiletries were limited to bar soap, and I begrudgingly got into the shower and washed my hair with it. It worked, but when I got out, I swear it looked like I’d stuck my finger in a light socket. I grabbed for my brush.

BUT IT WAS AT HOME. WITH THE REST OF ALL MY STUFF. I did bring my hair dryer and a hot air brush (insert eye roll), and our lovely friends/next door neighbors had a brush I could borrow. Hubbin lovingly lent me his toothbrush, but I surmise it was more for his own comfort than as an act of service for me.

After some team building exercises that included me dancing blindfolded up a hill of mulch in my Guess riding boots, it was free time. And Hubbin’s idea of free time is different from mine. My idea of free time on a kid-free weekend includes a NAP. Hubbin? Included hiking. Up here.

This is some sort of joke, right? THAT IS HEAVEN, not a hike.

I was annoyed and not feeling well, but obliged mostly because I would have pretty much been the only one that didn’t go and that’s not very nice. And I kid you not, it was a near 70 degree hike the entire time. I’m not sure how far, but I assume at least 450 miles each way.

I climbed and climbed, and said there wasn’t a single, solitary view that would be worth this, we live near the fricking Peaks of Otter for the love, WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME DO THIS, IT’S PRETTY WHERE WE LIVE!

And then, we hung a right and saw this:

Yeah that's where we started. I'm going to frame this and every time the mean one needs a bath I'm going to point to it and say "Remember when I did that?"

Yeah that’s where we started. I’m going to frame this and every time the mean one needs a bath I’m going to point to it and say “Remember when I did that?”

It was stunning; breathtaking. I gasped at the sight, and it made the entire hike worth it (even falling three times on the way down). It was a wonderful experience with Hubbin; through the last few months, we have seen and felt the beauty and glory of God, but this was just a stunning reminder; a poignant display of how far we had come. How we had overcome obstacles that had once seemed impossible, to reach the beauty that God had waiting for us. The hike was not just a hike, but a symbol of the last six months for us. We conquered.

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That wasn’t the only time we learned not only how far we had come, but how much more work we had to do; things we hadn’t quite sorted through as well as we thought but had to face, plans for how we would show our daughters what God wants for marriage, and how by taking the time for us, we can do that.

More than anything, I learned that there isn’t a single solitary bad decision I can make that God can’t use to glorify Him, including my recent fall off the non-smoking wagon (I know, don’t even start, it’s ridiculous). Through that, I bonded with another wife that smoked that I otherwise may not have even talked to. And even within the last two weeks, she’s made a major impact in my life, and for that, I am eternally grateful to Him.

It also allowed me to finally put them back down where they belong. I had made another poor decision, and God used that to glorify Him in a way I would have never seen coming. And because of that, I was able to say “Last time we were here, we left a lot of junk here. This time, I’m leaving this here.”

Not that quitting again hasn’t been insanely difficult, or that I haven’t slipped. Starting a new job and quitting smoking are not good together, and struggle I have, don’t get me wrong. But I know that I have overcome much worse, much more destructive strongholds, and for that, I am grateful for the grace that only God provides.

And that’s the Fall Marriage Retreat.